Where should I start?

It's been 2 days since 2012 started...

Turns out wanting to be initiative and wanting to make changes isn't easy..

Not when there is 21 years of history, life and me haunting me..

Not when everyone around are humans who would forever remember the bad that you did and never remember any good..

Not when people around would NOT let the negative past go...

Giving up and breaking down just seem so easy and tempting..

Can I??

Not doing anything and just sleeping the whole day seems so soothing..

But it is not the right thing to do!!

So what if I sleep away the day??

I'd just have the night to regret not doing anything and have all the unanswered thoughts flood my mind again...

But I never learn...I continue the same thing again the next day...

All cause it just seem so much easier to run away, ignore, avoid and forget...

What I've been doing all this while...

Even to unpack my camp bag takes me so long...

How am I suppose to do well with bigger responsibilities that involves others?

Then again, this question is asked too late..

Not when I already am holding those responsibilities..

I so need the extra push in motivation to be initiative..

To take charge and change.

To face my problems and stop finding excuses to get myself out of it..

To start admitting for the wrong that I did and stop lying myself out of everything..

Never did admit that I always create excuse..

It's like an automatic response to find the least harmful way out of a situation...

Then it became a habit..and a natural response to the extent that I give my own thoughts excuses..

Maximum level of rationalizing, convincing myself what I do is always right..

Plotting defenses just in case any of those lies found a loop hole...

Then I realize it is time to stop..

I realize I've always been avoiding and escaping..

And problems were never solved...Somehow I just keep hurting people unintentionally...

And I keep telling myself I did the right thing...

Finally..I've stopped growing...

I just stay in the past...haunted by all the unresolved issues I get myself into..

While getting into new ones...

Until now..when everything just goes out of control..

My mind is in a mess..

Everything is in a mess..

How I wish time could stop for me to organize everything..

But that is one wish I'd never get...

So I have to start catching up with time..

I need to start growing up!!

I need to change!!

I have no idea how many people I'd hurt in the process of finding myself..

But I know it is a risk I have to take...

So dear friends..

If you really do care about me, I hope you'd just tolerate me for a year or 2..

I really do need all the support I can get...

If you can't, I don't blame any of you for leaving...

It will add on to my already messed up situation..

But I can't force any of you to slow down your life just for me..

Know that I never meant to hurt any of you...

It is time for me to grow up...

I've got years of catching up to do with life..

As well as lots of organizing to do with my head..

Wish me luck...