Sunday, March 16, 2014

Thank You Note.

Once upon a time, a girl left high school, thinking things would be better, people would be more mature, no more dramas and life is full of hope and dreams..
But year after year...She was thrown into worst...
People get more cunning..The world she walks into just get darker and darker...
She is sad...and disappointed with people..
And yet she still can't accept the fact that majority of the human race are driven by selfish wants and desires...
She still hopes and sees the good in people, and that people bully emotionally only because they have it hard in their life..
And if she gives more effort and care towards them, they too could see the world as she imagine...
She thought that she could help the people she care for be happier..
Only to find out the true colours of the people around her..
And those who truly care for her just as much as she did are not many...
She's tired...Tired of getting hurt...Tired of being so nice..Tired of always being taken for granted...
She just don't understand how could people be so heartless and mean?
How is her demise a thing to rejoice?
It's like nothing she does is right..
Being nice to the opposite gender = Slut..
Being nice to the same gender = She has some dark ulterior motives..
Like dude!! Why can't people just be nice to each other with no ulterior motives and the world could be a happier place...
I know I know...
All the "Love me, Hate me, it's still an obsession", "You want to waste your time talking nonsense about me, it's your choice, I have better things to do with my time" chants does help her feel better...
But at the end of the day she just can't help but wonder...WHY...
I mean really, the reason of "some people are just like that" isn't good enough...
People are constantly changing, how bad could someone's life be to skew towards the negative side??
Don't they know that life could be so much better and happier than scheming, gossips and backstabbing??
I don't feel sorry for myself...
I feel sorry for those people...
I feel bad for not being able to do anything to help them..
How bad could their life be to have to find happiness in bringing down others??
To backstab, step on, create rumors, and constantly reminding people of another person's mistakes??
Is that much easier than finding a way to correct and improve your life??
To find happiness internally, to find happiness in the things you do for yourself, and not by sulking on how sucky your life is and finding the mistake others do and constantly remind them about it, just to make your life look better..
Can't they see it's just an illusion? That person might even be a totally changed person, from learning from their mistakes...and they can't even see it because they are so fixated with mistakes others once make..
As if they've never made any mistake in their life...
If only they knew all these negativity are the things that makes her stronger...
And they are just wasting their life away only to make hers better...
She would feel sad, and hurt...
But ultimately, she is grateful, for it is all these that made her a stronger person...
And while she would still have a big question mark on what these people are thinking, she would still once in a while try too hard...
She knows...She knows that she shouldn't dwell on these people for too long..
She could only hope for the best for those people...
Because..her time is better spent on those who care, and who could bring about positivity in her life...
And she would always be happy and herself with those who actually deserves her time, emotions and effort!!
A big thank you to those who stayed, those who held my hand, those who believed in me over false perception, those who generously shared their love, effort and time with me!! ♥

xoxo,
Mun

Friday, January 24, 2014

Happy 2014...

2014 2014...Almost a month into this new year..
And yet..nothing much has changed..
Everything is as it is..mundane..and routined...
It's just too meh...
I am really starting to question myself what is my purpose in this world??
Which side of me should I skew towards??
The adventurous "I need to get outta this place", making bold choices and just doing side...
Or let my "but if I do this xxx or xxx would happen", better stay on the safe side, side take over??

Some say happiness is being content with what you have...Which I think makes sense..
Some pula say happiness is doing everything you can in achieving your impossible dream...Which also makes sense...
Gahh...It's like I'm so easily persuaded I could live in the north pole and still buy ice from someone...zzzzz...
But I can't help it when they make sense...
Or when I feel sorry for them...

Everytime I think I should do something for me...
I would worry on the wellbeing of another..
The guilty feeling of if I get this my parents (especially) would have to sacrifice something just to get me that..
Then I'd rather not have it...
But then I'd also be upset for not being able to get it...
It's like the mini angel and devil always can't win..
Seriously...Can't one side win and let me be happy...

If I an destined to be evil and hated...
Why am I feeling bad for people...
If I am destined to be good and care for others..
What am I not doing right?
Cause it seems that my good isn't good enough, and all that I touch tumbles down...
Yes I just quoted glee...

I need answers to know what I need...o.0
Yes it makes sense..
I really wished there would be a guide or something or someone who could just come and tell me what is my freaking purpose in this world!!
What am I suppose to do??
Which path should I take..
Which path should I follow..
Which path I would regret less..
It's like I'm stuck in between..
And has been stucked in between for ages....

So annoying...
One part of me is so happy with what I have...
A home...A nice room...Privilege to dance..Privilege to drive..A loving family..A loving boyfriend..A bunch of friends who I can call family...
And yet...I still feel like there's this empty part of me...
Like something is missing..
Like a dream..not fulfilled...
But what is my real dream??
To be an actress?? To be a dancer?? To be a behavioural therapist?? To be a dance therapist?? To be a traveller?? To be a wife and mother?? To stay?? To migrate??
I want it all, but it seems near to impossible to achieve all..

Which leads to my next question...
Should I work towards achieving the most impossible one..
Or choose the simplest one and then slowly going up...
Which one should be my last stop??
Which one should I give up??
How I wish I could be in a few places at once..
Then I'd have the time to achieve all..
Look at all those..it's like after 30, it's near to impossible to start going for half of it...

Why do women have to depreciate with age?!?! WHY..zzzz..
Societal rules sucks..

And another thing..
Everytime I rant I'll feel good..
Then after a while I'd think..
What was the point of ranting again??
It's like the issue isn't much of a big deal..
Then I'd let it go..and forget about it...
Until it haunts me again..
OMB..the circle!!
I NEED CHANGE!!
PLEASE GIVE ME THE STRENGTH TO CHANGE AND MAKE BOLD LIFE CHANGING DECISIONS THAT I MIGHT REGRET DOING BUT MIGHT REGRET EVEN MORE IF I DON'T EVEN TRY!!

uhmmmmmm...Chants 100000billion kazillion bergillion times!!
Go for it!!
The only truth in this world is CHANGE!! =)
If you don't try you would never know!!

xoxo,
Mun

Monday, December 2, 2013

Thoughts


Blogger, I'm scared...
Well, why else would I be here again..
You have always been an outlet for me to just rant and release my thoughts..
Well other than those times where I was blogging just cause everyone else was..
I have facebook and instagram to do those for me now..
But right now..
I'm scared..
They said I'm not good enough..
That I need to grow up..
I'm trying..
But what if it's not enough??
I know I know..
I should think of the positive side...
That I should be confident that I can..
Cause I'm Carmen Kong..
I can do anything...
Every bad thing always magically disappear..
This one would too..
With some efforts of course..
It's just so scary to know I could just lose things now..
To know that all these while..
I've just been spoonfed and protected...
That I don't need effort..
But now..It's real..
Everything is real..
The fear...
The chances of losing..
Failure could be real...
I sure don't want that...
And I'm working towards that..
But why do I feel it's not enough??
Like I wouldn't have enough time??
And I could just make mistakes without me even realizing..
Like I always do..
Am I really so stupid??
Am I really just a bimbo??
Okay...now that all those are out..
I can think clearly now..
Time to alter my thoughts into the positive ones..
Let the positive ones take over..
I'm a scorpion..I'm a horse..
Deadly..Fast..Strong and unbeatable..
These things can't hurt me...
Think of Blair Waldorf...
The ones who cares the most are the ones who created those obstacles for her..
And in the end, she survived all those backstabs, gossips, heartbreaks and still rise as queen and married her true love with true friends and family who cares...
I believe I can do this..
I am meant to achieve greatness..
And I will achieve greatness!! 

Till next time, 
Mun

Thursday, June 13, 2013

Two

Hey blogspot..I'm gonna start a new life soon..
Life as a part of workforce...
It's like time to accept that I'm really growing up...
Thought it's time to keep track of things again..
At least pen it down here to aid my aging body and deteriorating memory...

So dear future self, here's what happened in February of 2013 that you should feel nostalgic about..
#1 Chinese New Year
Ahh yes...The annual festive season where we get to getaway to the rural areas of perak and just chill...
Where traditions are at its peak...
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This was the year daddykins let you light up the first and huge incense as the clock strike 12...
To celebrate the beginning of the new year..
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Grandma's house is old but just as homey..
Not a place I'd stay forever..
But a perfect place for getaway..
Not to mention cheap everything...

Other awesome things about CNY gatherings??
a) Laughter of new borns.. ♥
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Just seeing them being so pure and innocent makes everything brighter..
At least being with them means no drama, no fake intentions and no guessing what's real and what's not..
All those still sickens me to the core...
It's so sad to know that all these innocence..purity and happiness would be gone one day...
And pulled into darkness called SOCIETY...

b) Red packets!!
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Red packets!! What's not to like?? =D

#2 Reunions
In conjunction to the holidays and CNY, most of those who flew to lands far far away and actually home...
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It's good to see faces like these..
A reminder that no matter how superficial and fake most people might be..
There will be a few who would still stay true and love me for who I am... ♥


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Them who leaves and yet feels like nothing much has changed when they are back here by my side..  ♥

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Them who's been there seeing me grow up and growing up with me... ♥

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Them who shares the same passion and love of dance..
Who I see so frequently...who are my family.. ♥
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Them who were brought to me unexpectedly..

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Them who are and will always be my family...
No matter how far apart or how little we meet... ♥

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This month, I was also reunited with my youth...
Reminding me what it felt like to be fifteen again..
There were changes..But that couple of hours..
I was reminded of how crazy and googly-eye I could be..
How cheerful and perky I used to be..
It was amazing..♥

#3 Farewells
Farewells are inevitable in life..
Some are forever..
But most are just for a while..
These farewell are the good ones..
Where we know people we care about are going out there..
Chasing their dreams..
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I too hope one day I'd be the one getting the farewell..
The one going out there and achieving my dream...
The dream to escape into the world of dance where hopefully for the love of dance people would be nicer...
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Our paths might start out as the same..
But we leave this year..pursuing different goals...
We can never be goodbye forever...
But it's still nostalgic to look back into the past three years..
Seeing all the ups and downs we've been through...♥

#4 Miracles
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Might not be a huge miracle..
But it's something we don't see everyday..
I've heard of such..
Seen the pictures..
But the making it happen myself just feels the best...
It's like achieving something after not giving up on failures..
Wish I had such motivations in life...

#5 In Loving Memory
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Just when I thought I want to take up responsibility of adopting pets..
Brise and Jete had short lives..
Didn't know what I did wrong..
Fed them right..
Changed the waters everyday..
Gave them rocks to climb on...
Brought them out for sun as instructed on websites..
And yet...They both passed...
Brise had a problem first...
Wasn't eating..wasn't swimming right...
So I separated them..
Jete was still eating and all..
But after Brise left..
Jete followed few weeks later..
Hope they are having a better time in turtle heaven...:'(

#6 Achievements
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A project that I was in charge of by myself..
My very own dissertation..research project in order to complete my bachelors degree..
Did not get the results I expected...
But at least it is my sweat and effort...
Next time..I'll just have to do better..=)

Till next time..
XOXO,
Mun

Sunday, April 28, 2013

Just Hi..=)

Hey blogsphere...
Just being all pumped up with the blasting music I have on at 2am in the morning..
Yea..I'm on unemplyment holidays..Hence the screwed up sleep cycle..
So thought I'd come here and see what crap I could come out with...
Trust me I have a lot of crap to be vomitted out...
Where do I start...

Sleep Cycle?
Remember how I used to say I'm in love with my bed and never ever wanna leave it?
Well...Somehow now...I dread bed time..
As if a part of me is telling me that I don't need sleep..
And yet..I have nothing better to do..
Not like I have a plan to rule the world or shit...
Even if I have a nice plan I have no resources (MONEY) to execute my perfect plan of parading into another country get my masters degree and open a dance school..
Oh and meet the love of my life in between and get y happy ever after...
So I stay awake and do nothing..Obstacles are very good demotivators..Don't you think??

In order to execute my not so perfect anymore plan, I'd havta work...
But then another HUGE question..
WHAT to work as..
My ideal of course would be a higher paid job like cabin crew..
So I'd be closer to my ultimate goal of being a dance psychologist and a dance school owner..
And yet..That interferes with my masters degree requirement of having TWO types of dance certificate..
Can't be flying around and going classes inconsistently if I'm gonna take my modern inter exam this year now can I?? =.=""

So then it's up to special needs care...
Found a few..
But have not apply..
Why? Location..
Yea..I know I'm choosy and making up all sorts of excuse to prolong my misery which is taking me no where..
But you've gotta admit..Staying in subang when all the special needs centre are in Damansara, Bangsar or KL is fucking demotivating...
As if we all don't know my dearest Malaysia is infamous for it's petrol and time consuming JAMS...
Hence the procrastination...Which my Superego is beating me up already..
Inducing reasoning and guilt..

I'm starting to think my ID and Superego is of the same size..
Which explains my constant brain wars..
I'm surprised I haven't developed split personalities yet..
oh wait..writers block...
Till next time then...

XOXO,
Mun



Sunday, March 17, 2013

Death

The one thing every living creature on earth fears of..
Why?
Because of its uncertainty..of not knowing..
When would it happen...What would it be like after death...
Because of the possible emotions...
Of regrets...Of loss...Of change...

I've witnessed death...
First was when i was 9 or 10..
When my great grandma passed away...
I was a child...
I barely knew her...
And so my reaction was it's my drama time..
I NEED to watch it..despite disagreement...
Yes I was a brat...
Looking into the coffin was scary...

Second was my grandmother's...
When I was 14...
Now this had an impact...
Grandma stayed with us you see...
Seeing her everyday since the day I was born...
Her cooking...Her buying vege from the vege truck..
Her scolding the tv...Her just loving me...
No tears were shed though..
Because it was expected..
She was bed ridden at home for a couple of months..
Her passing was a sense of relief...
As daddy said...She didn't have to suffer anymore...
And she was at peace....
So it was acceptable for me..
Besides..I was a teenager..what do I know about grief and loss...

Then my best friend's father...
The first non blood related death I witnessed...
My emotions here consisted of worry...
Worrying that I would just say the wrong things...
Seeing the fact I always do...
Thanks to my scumbag brain...
It's like I can't seem to phrase words properly..
Nor can i differentiate things that are appropriate to be spoken...
I was also worried about her...
Not knowing how I could offer my help...
Because I obviously do not understand how she feels...
Helpless in a way where I couldn't do anything to help knowing the pain she feels...

Sometimes I even wonder how on earth I came about the path of being a psychologist...
I mean seriously...
I can't choose right words to say to save my life..
And I always ended up just not saying anything...
I have low self esteem in this..
Unless it's crap and lame stuff...
Yea..that I can just blab out anything...
Am wondering when will I actually reach the maturity I clearly lack...
Is it a practice? An experience thing? or would it just come??
Cause up till now..I still don't think I am as mature as my peers...
Or I'm just more carefree and open minded...
See the war my brain is having...

Like I can think of a question and answer it myself...and still not getting a solution...
Why? Because I can think of things like...
"my life sucks...I wish I'm richer.."
Then the next second..
"shut up...You are super lucky..Look at the luxurious things you have around you.."
And so on...sometimes the war gets even worst and stupid..
Maybe one day I'll be on this page while it happens...
And hopefully I don't hit the back space button when I realize how ridiculous my worries/complaints are...

Then there's my uncles' deaths..
Both which I am not close to..hence no impact..
Am only there to do all the rituals....
And be extra careful with my words and not smile/laugh at all..

None of which were as impactful as this...
It was on thursday...
Here I was..preparing to go to my ballet class..
Complaining about all the muscle ache I'm experiencing...
Until a friend called...It wasn't unusual for him to call me...
Seeing he is my ex's bff...So I assumed it was something related to that..
Until he asked if I knew this primary school friend of mine..
I said yes..
And he told me HE passed away a couple of hours ago...
I was speechless and in shock...
At that point of time I was thinking what prank is this..

He was healthy!!
He had such a bright future ahead of him..
From being the last in class to a law graduate...
Heck the day before he was still posting things on his facebook wall...
Two days before he was saying he's going to further his studies...
The only thing that raced through my mind was WTF...
How?? Why?? What?? WHY?? Like WTF??

Then I went on to class and didn't think much about it..
The night and next day was all about informing my other friends and planning with them on attending the wake...
That is until today...
Seeing him there...
His body...Just lying there..
Pale..White...
Everything came...

The memory of our primary school gathering last year...
My first ever real conversation with him...
See when we were in school..
We were in the "Boys sucks" age...
And he was in the naughty and mischievous group...
Our teachers tend to separate all of us in naughty laze group...
So I knew he existed but never did talk to him...
Am so thankful of these annual gatherings of ours that started 5 years ago...
Or else the regret would be so much more...

What hurt most was my mind looking on my life..
You know...the "what ifs"...
What if it was me??
Have I lived my life??
What would be my greatest regret??
And all these shenanigans..

I mean look at my life now...
Psychology degree holder..
Waiting for my results...
On the borderline of second upper class and second lower (a failure as discriminated by society)...
I mean...what have I been doing with my life??
What do I really want to do with my life??
Dance??
I suck at it...can't even balance more than 3 seconds nor can I do a perfect double pirouette, have no stamina to do allegro and no strength to do adage..=.=""""""
Study??
Not a top notch student that could just apply scholarship..
Work??
I have absolutely no idea where I fit...
Everything seems to be unsuitable for me...

Then I ask myself..
What is my drive?? My motivation??
To live a happy life...
Well...I am happy....My parents love me..
I have friends who care...
But there is so much more...
I have people disliking me for my past, or for god knows what reason...
And yet no one is telling me why....I know I pressure myself too much to please others..
But it sucks knowing people hate me...
Then here I am telling myself I shouldn't care what others think because people who mind don't matter, and people who matter don't mind right??
see..brain war...

How can I repay my parents??
They are working so hard just to make my life amazing...
And yet here I am not being able to do shiz to make them more comfortable...
They keep saying as long as I am happy, they are...
But I want them to stop sacrificing for me!!
I want them to live their lives...
And I can only do that...
When I start earning..
Which brings back to the dilemma of work vs masters...
Work now = Delayed masters but able to lessen parents' burden...Long run = Low job satisfaction
Masters now = Still needing parents to sacrifice...Long run = better job & pay, goos job satisfaction and parents could finally live life...But it's not a guaranteed...

I mean..then there's the issue of marriage and kids...
It's unhealthy to give birth after 35...
And women depreciate with age...
Hence the stupid choice of work vs family...
Seriously man...What is all these decisions about??
Is best of both worlds that hard??
Does being happy and cheerful spreading the joy not enough??
I do dread the workforce...
All the backstabbing, stress and betrayal...
The two faced...Hidden agendas..
As if the work itself isn't stressful enough...

Is peace that hard to obtain??
I really want to hope for the best in people..
But then I'd be seen as stupid and naive and an opportunity to be taken advantage of...
And if I fight back...
I'd be one of them,..What I dread and hate to be...
But either way people would hate me and say I'm fake..
Like seriously!!

Whats your problem??
I'm nice and I'm fake...
I fight for myself and I'm a bitch...=.=""
I'm happy and I'm fake...
I'm emo and sad all the time and I'm attention seeker...
I see the best in people and I'm stupid and naive...
I see the worst in people and I'm paranoid and stereotypical...

Seriously...How do you people decide which decision to make and how to react??
And so I'm sleepy and tired now...
Could not compose anymore although lots are still running around messed up in my brain...
Will just live it till next time...hopefully positive change would occur till my next post..
Taaa..

Xoxo,
Mun



Tuesday, February 5, 2013

One

In just a glimpse of an eye, a month of 2013 has gone by..
Just like that..
Funny how time just passes so darn fast as we grow older..
I still remember how I used to dread school and wished that december comes soon so I could have two months away from school...
Now I just wished time goes slower..

This year especially..
So I don't have to face the cruel working society where "teenage" drama are even worse than high school..
Backstabbing, lies, shoe-shinning are all tools of survival..
While truth, whole-hearted and kindness are all weaknesses that would pull you down..
It's scary to know that this is what the world is all about..

When greed and power is concern...
Nothing else matters..
No such thing as "treat people the way you would want to be treated"
Because when you are nice..
People will just take advantage of you...
It's really really sad...

Call me naive but I still have hope that all these would be left behind in high school...
But then my hope for the greater good and habit of seeing the good in people seem to be seen as stupidity..
And yet..I just can't be mean..
WHY CAN'T I JUST BE MEAN??
Everyone else is..=.="""

Anyway..
I'm blogging because I have another report due on tuesday..
And well..my procrastinating habit just loves to make me do things other than my own report..=D
So I might as well blog a little..
Since it's time for Leighton's feeding due to my latest temple run 2 addiction..=)

1) 2013
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2013 started out with me being high-drunk with my new family..
It's my first ever drunk new years...
But the company was what made it a great start of 2013..♥

2. New routine
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Daddy came home one day with a new bicycle..
Said he wants to make it his new year resolution to lose weight...
I decided to use it to my advantage...:)
And it was nice..cycling around with the wind blowing...
Definitely a new routine on days I don't have dance classes..=D

3. Novartis Annual Dinner and Dance
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Three months in this place and it has became my little home..
And people there became my family..
When I got the green light to crash this dance...
I went without a second thought...
The theme was mafia..
It was fun finding an outfit for this dance..

Always thought mafia themed would be fedora and black..
That is until Vampire Diaries came into my life..
Which was when i realized mafia was famous in the 20s..
Men going all "whats up dollface" with a cigar in their mouth..
The glam period...
Hence the outfit..
Feathers was from my dance school's stash of costumes, the net was mummy's, and the head gear was a corsage and a necklace..=)
Had fun dressing up for this...

Seeing everyone again was amazing...
The after party was WTF though..
Haha..Neverland...Name says it all..
NEVER Land..
Still it was a night to remember..=D

4. Family Reunion!! ♥
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These are people I grew up with...
People who are all scattered around the country and world for studies and work..
It's been too long since I've seen them..
Missing them is like a daily routine for me..
Summer holidays are always the best..♥

5. THESIS SUBMISSION BIATCH!!
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Three years of Bsc(Hons) Psychology..
Three years of sleepless nights and journal reading all came down to this one Final Year Project..
A project which was done by me and me alone..
With supervision and advise from my supervisor..
But everything else from proposal, scale finding, data collection, analysis, etc etc etc was all me..
Completing this is one of the proudest moments of 2013..=D
This also means I'm about 80% out of the course!! =D

6. January Babies
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A tradition...
But probably for the last year with good attendance..=(

7. Happiness
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Whether it is forever or for a while..
I'll always be believing..
Believing in fate, in true love, in everything happens for a reason..
Believing that when one door closes another opens...
Happily ever after is still far for me..
But I am happy now...
Of what I have and of the people around me who cares..♥

And now I wait...
For the adventure and surprises fate has for me..♥

Xoxo,
Mun